This little man is quite simply my best friend. He makes me laugh every single day without fail, harder then some people have ever made me laugh, and brings me so much joy I can’t even begin to tell you.
Recently though I’ve begun to feel like I am failing him. It is completely ridiculous as I know, in my heart of hearts I am absolutely not but still it’s there.
In September I started a new job and with it started working another day a week. Since I went back to work after my maternity leave I always worked three days a week but now I’m working four. Since this change I have been absolutely riddled with mummy guilt and these feelings of parenting failure.
Luca has hated this change and now begs me on a morning not to go to work, even just writing that sentence breaks my heart. I find some solice in watching him run off into our childminders without so much as a backwards glance. Knowing he loves his time spent there makes it much easier for me to leave him but doesn’t ease any of the guilt I feel every morning when I have to answer his pleas with the answer he doesn’t want to hear.
He now spends more days a week being looked after by other people than he does being looked after by me, his Mummy, and that literally tears me to pieces.
Along with begging me not to go everytime we get in the car, he has also started sleeping badly again. He shouts for me when he stirs in the night which I’m putting down to some seperation anxiety.
Working four days has also meant that one of the days we have off together is spent doing a weekly food shop and any other chores that need doing, leaving us only two days a week to spend time together. Two!!! I’m not liking that whatsoever. I quite honestly would be a SAHM until he went to school if that was a realistic option for us but it’s just not.
Next on the mummy guilt list is nutrition. I feel like with all the extra demands I’m under now with the new job and amount of travelling I do, I’ve let our eating habits slip and Luca isn’t eating anywhere near as well as I used to ensure he did. I have recently made sure I’ve tackled this and hopefully we are back on track as a family.
I’m am a mum who tells other mothers that guilt is a wasted, pointless feeling and we are all doing only our best, and I absolutely, wholeheartedly believe it. So it’s a bit of a contradiction that I am then overflowing with it myself and cannot seem to shake it, no matter what I’m internally screaming at myself and other people are telling me.
I’m praying it eases soon as I’m not sure how much more I can handle. It’s absolutely soul destroying and I’m sick of it. I’ve just taken some new clients on meaning I now have a lot less travelling than previously, giving me a little bit of breathing space between finishing work and picking up Luca. I also drive past two supermarkets on my way home so fingers crossed this will make my life just that little bit easier.
Until then, anyone have any suggestions of how to get rid of it?